Last night, as I was washing the dishes, my husband gently touched me on the back and said, “Today was a lot. We did our best.” It was a tiny moment, but something shifts. I breathed a little deeper. I felt less alone. I felt like we were a team again.
HA! I wish.
What actually happened was much more familiar. We passed like ships in the night. We traded a quick plan about who was doing morning drop off and barely made eye contact. Nothing warm or cinematic. Just two tired parents doing their best to keep things moving.
If you have never heard of John Gottman, he is a researcher who studies thousands of couples to understand what helps relationships stay strong. One thing he pays close attention to is that first moment of connection when partners see each other at the end of the day. He calls these “bids for connection”, and the way we respond can gently build or quietly erode our sense of being a team.
These bids can be as simple as a squeeze of the hand or a soft “You okay?” at the end of a long day. Responding, even briefly, builds emotional safety.
What Helps Couples Feel Like a Team Again?
The good news is that you do not need a complete relationship overhaul. Small habits make a real difference and help you stay close even when life feels intense.
Speak from your experience instead of your frustration
Try shifting from “You never help with bedtime” to “I felt overwhelmed tonight and could use more help tomorrow.” This keeps the conversation grounded instead of reactive.
Name the stress together
Sometimes it feels like the problem is each other, when the real issue is the situation itself. Saying “This is hard on both of us” brings you back onto the same side.
Create a shared plan for tricky moments
When a child is dysregulated, it helps to know who steps in first and who supports from the background. Shared plans reduce blame and increase teamwork.
Celebrate the little wins
A smoother school run. A calmer transition. One small breakthrough. Pausing to say “We did that together” helps you see yourselves as partners again.
Use repair attempts when things get tense
A gentle apology, a small smile, or even “Can we reset?” can stop a conversation from sliding downhill. Gottman found that strong couples use these tiny repairs all the time.
What Is One Small Step You Can Try This Week?
Choose one tiny habit that brings you closer together.
- Respond to one bid for connection each day
- Start one hard conversation with softness
- Share one small win from your day
- Say “We are in this together” even if you are both tired
Small habits, repeated gently, help you remember the most important truth. Staying connected does not mean agreeing on everything. It means remembering that you are on the same team.